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Teach People How to Treat You 
By Kathy Gates,  Life Coach
Word Count 621

“Teach people how to treat you” is a phase coined by Dr. Phillip McGraw in his book “Life Strategies”.  With this phrase, Dr. McGraw illustrates that, as difficult as it may be to hear, in whatever relationships you are in (boss, spouse, friends, etc.), you have *taught* them both the rules and the boundaries of the relationship.

Boundaries play a primary role in teaching others how to treat you.  If you weren’t taught as a child how to require respect from others, you must now develop the ability to take ownership of, or responsibility for, your own needs.   Boundaries help you determine what is your “property” (physical, mental, or emotional) so that you can take care of it; NOT so that you can use it against other people.  Simply, boundaries help you define what’s OK with you, and what’s not OK with you.  Boundaries include things that other people may not do around you, do to you, or say to you.

For example, most people have the boundary of “it’s not OK to hit me”.  Some people take that boundary even further by saying “it’s not Ok to touch me” without my permission.      

As you look at your relationships, be careful not to lie to yourself about them.  It is much easier to blame others, and it’s definitely not easy to accept that you are even partly responsible for being mistreated by someone.   Your commitment must be high in this area.  If you talk about change, and then don’t follow through, you have only taught that person to be patient; that what you say you don’t mean, and that you will give in.  Dr. Phil McGraw gives us a good example of how we “teach” people unwanted behavior.  “For example, if your partner pouts when you don’t comply, and you give in:  bingo, payoff for pouting.  Now they know how to treat you to get their way.”

This isn’t a game.  You are not trying to control another person.  You are not saying things for shock value.  You are not saying things that you don’t mean.  You ARE a valuable and loveable person who respects him/herself enough to insist that others treat you with the same respect.  This is not a license to be rude.  In fact, just the opposite.  You must be will to also treat people with the same respect that you expect to be treated with. 

Perhaps what you request of others may be unpopular.  Many times in your life you may do things that are unpopular with the rest of the world.  While you are certainly glad if others think well of you, and it is a good thing to learn the personal skills that are beneficial to being liked and appreciated by others, it is destructive to think that you must become a doormat in order to make everyone endorse you and everything about you.  Jesus himself wasn’t loved by everybody, and still isn’t.

You have to be able to acknowledge what you need, and then ask for it. Before you can ask for something you have to know what it is you want, and you have to believe it is possible to get it.  It is very unlikely your relationship partners will ever know what it is you want unless you have the courage to specifically ask for it.   If it is hard for you articulate what your own needs and wants are, how is anyone else suppose to know? 

PUBLISHING NOTICE:   Please feel free to use this article for your newsletter, ezine, or website, in its entirety including the resource box.  Please notify me of publication by sending a website link or a copy of your ezine when published to information@reallifecoach.com.  Thank you. 

Resource Information:    Life Coach Kathy Gates specializes in helping people who are ready to create a simpler, less stressful, more joyful and meaningful lifestyle.  Visit www.reallifecoach.com to learn more.